she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
