So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
