She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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