Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
