The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
