I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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