turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The power of my boobs compel you
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
