she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
