im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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