Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
