Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
i've created a new STD.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
