WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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