I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
