So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
