i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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