just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just want nice things and good sex
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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