So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
