hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
