my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
