Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
