Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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