just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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