btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
