im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
