Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
