It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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