He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
