420 ftw
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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