Pants 0. Shit 1.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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