So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
