I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
