his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
