don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
