My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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