I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
