I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
