Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
