my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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