Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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