btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
