I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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