It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
