I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
