Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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