My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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