remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
