If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
