I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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