Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
only you would photoshop your dick
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
