i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
