Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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